the idea of you

.   .   .

When I awake, you appear casually. Almost, as if you were waiting for me. You smile, tilt your head to one side, and part your lips;

you are about to say something. 

Then,

you don't. Nothing. 

Because like most things, I have only grazed fragments of you. 

I went to my first concert, expecting to find a break in rhythm. Instead, I remained 

in an elusive trance, brainwashed by melody and illusion. 

I found myself neglect in crowds, so I searched for you, in the presence of 

yesterdays and tomorrows. A blur. So slight, so astray. 

I walked through the place you called home, trying to steal the softness of 

sounds, the sweet scents, and savour them as stimuli. 

I starved myself of separation. A servitude to the looking glass, robbed me of 

sensibility, and substituted a frame of pristine symphony. 

You are sabotage; no need for arsenal, as I will always surrender. A reflection diluted, all thoughts besieged, a self invaded: you manifest me.

You are simply an idea, a theory, a judgement, that I have altered, refined, evolved. An idea thought so often, it could induce resurrection. 

Yet, I cannot sense any of you: touch, smell, taste, hear, or see you. 

You are vague: a wisp, an essence, a gist.

And you toy with the idea of me.

I am your echo. Call, and I will follow.

A mere greyness; not enough to overcast.

I sift through you, far from being grasped.

.   .   .

16 introductions

As 2016 is coming to an end, I feel as always, that this is such a prominent time to be reflective and talk about the things that have been "introduced" to me for the first time 

this year. 

1. starting a blog

The most obvious introduction by far, but something I have wanted to do properly for a long time. Although I have grappled with the frequency of my posts, having a blog does at least make me feel the need to write, and has definitely pushed me to put my work out in the open. It's something I have really valued in creating and each post is just a nice way of marking time. 

2. taking a gap year

Finishing school was something I was hugely looking forward to this year. I had felt so much weight from it, that when I achieved the grades I needed and deferred my place at uni, I just felt more secure than ever with my decision to take a gap year. I ignored the "whatever for?'s" and did something for myself that I know will benefit me so greatly.

3. visiting more places

I have travelled so much over England this year, than I have any other year; making visits to Nottingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Oxford. It reminds me that there is so much that I have still yet to see here in England, and that I don't have to get on a plane to be somewhere new. 

4. watching great films

Watching films is definitely not foreign to me, so of course there were a few that have stained my memory. The Revenant, Ruby Sparks, Revolutionary Road, 5 centimeters per second, and The Way Back have been the films that I have watched this year, that have influenced how I think about history, life, ideals. I love how much films and really art in general, can make you feel so differently about things.

5. listening to great music

As always, I have fallen in love with more wonderful music. To listen to what I've been listening to recently, just go here.

6. learning how to contour

I have finally succumbed to the tutorials of beauty gurus I have watched religiously on YouTube. I never really wear makeup on the daily, but when I go out for the whole day, I actually love just making the effort. It does kind of sound silly, but I get how makeup can make you feel good and make you look like you are going somewhere with purpose. 

7. actually celebrating my birthday

I've never been keen on celebrating my birthday, and I haven't for several years, but this year felt different. I felt kinda different. I don't think it's really about my birthday itself, but rather; where I am, and who I am surrounded by. Next year, I'll be turning 19 in Vietnam; a statement I love to think about.

8. first art commissions

I was lucky enough to sell my art for the first time, and it's something I have never imagined myself doing, but through an art exhibition at school, two people were interested in owning something I created. Although I haven't touched any art for a while, I still want to make time for it so that I am more confident to share some of my work (sounds like a resolution). 

9. learning to drive

Wahey, not that exciting to be honest, but something new to me. I cannot wait for the prospect of road trips to actually happen.

10. bralettes & nip petals are game changers

Self-explanatory, really. How it took me this long to find them, I don't know, but I love not wearing a bra. (I am so complex.)

11. finally buying a longline coat

It's again, a material thing, but again, a game changer. How have I survived winters without a longline coat?? I now never complain about the weather... that much.

12. working my first job

After many job applications, interviews, I got there in the end. What's funny is that after all those applications and preparation, it came down to walking in, handing in my CV and hearing an answer after merely a day. I have actually loved working; it has been hard and tiring as expected, but I have never met so many different and funny people all at the same time.

13. going to gigs!!

One of my favourite introductions to me this year. I got to see Poliça, Glass Animals and Red Hot Chili Peppers live. All uniquely different, all magical. Hearing music live, has completely changed how I feel and think about music, it just makes an experience when an inspiring number of people come together.

14. taking more pictures

This year, I have definitely invested more time in taking pictures. Something that I would love to talk more about on here, because it has been a constant creative force for me this year.

15. making travel plans for next year

After working my ass off, and saving like no tomorrow, I finally was able to set some plans in stone by booking my first return flight, buying insurance, confirming my volunteering placement. I am so excited for 2017, and I just know that it will bring me some well deserved good vibes.

16. me, myself and i

This year has been good to me. And I think that because, I have been good to myself. I started to learn what it is to actually be kind to yourself, to listen to what you really want from life. Being able to write these 16 things is an accomplishment in itself; to have so much to write about in the first place. That's what I want from life: to make decisions, make some selfish ones, introduce myself to more experiences that I can capture or write about, and to simply, be in the thick of it. To not try and reach out and grab life, control it, or manipulate it in any way, but to be there, fully immersed in my point of view and the different perspectives around me. To simply, live.

"Leave a life. Blow everything up. No, not everything: blow up the square 

meter you occupy among people. Or better still: leave empty chairs at the tables you 

once shared with friends, not metaphorically, but really, leave a chair, 

become a gap for your friends, allow the circle of silence around you to swell and 

fill with speculation. What few people understand is that you leave one life 

to start another." 

- Faces In The Crowd by Valeria Luiselli

always light: a poem

when i was a child,

i wish i had caught the sun

looped it around with a cowboy's lasso

and pulled it

to the palm of hand

moulded it to pin size

and slipped it

inside my pocket

so that i would carry light;

never followed by a shadow,

always light
..

(me, aged 5)

.. 

From time to time, I remember very vivid memories from my childhood, especially when I lived in my hometown, Medan. They are brief, but they remain vigorously endless in my mind.

Sometimes I will remember how it felt to walk barefoot in the Medanese sun, almost still feel the sensation from the warmth of the ground, how blissfully carefree and untroubled I was. The uncomplicated way the air I breathed, seemed so much clearer, as if I breathed in clarity and cleansing. I remember that I always followed my parents around, especially the time my mother was sweeping the floor, and I had carelessly tread into the dirt she had collected.

When I came to walk in my own light, it felt easy to fall back into my shadow instead; breathe in the polluted air, and to not run barefoot and free. As the air could not be swept, all I ever seemed to do was tread, breathe out the same polluted air, adding to the surrounding warped contamination.

Those memories of light, will always replay and stay repentant; moulding a type of guilt you feel from losing something important. I often wonder, what it would have been like to have stayed and wandered in my own light.

That is something I am trying to teach myself, and learn again.

soothing sounds

As of late, I have been investing more time into listening to music on SoundCloud. I used to only listen to podcasts on the platform, but it has been a great way of discovering new artists and genres. It's quite similar to Spotify in the way it creates mixes based on what you have listened to, but I love how the app doesn't make me listen to tracks on shuffle, and how often I haven't needed wifi to play tracks. 

So I created a playlist of tracks I have been loving recently; 'soothing sounds' that I have listened to on the way to work, on the train, on a walk, anywhere. 

Feel free to check it out below. 

..