It feels like October didn't even happen, as if I haven't really felt the shift in time, or temperature, or anything else for that matter.
I know that I have long postponed to write, and now, while I have this time, I might as well. It wasn't like I didn't think about writing, nor was it a simple case of 'writer's block', I honestly just acquired laziness. I did eventually start my job this month, but there are still other hours in the day, even five minutes of writing is better than none at all. It just feels like as soon as I step through the door when I get home from work, my body starts shutting down and couch-potato-mode switches on. That very ambitious Cindy aiming to write at least one post a week, has slowly dwindled, as if to mimic those autumnal leaves losing their fresh vibrancy, that then fall unconsciously to the ground... I guess procrastination can almost be poetic?
I don't know, I seem to have this problem of focusing on one aspect of my life and neglecting the other parts, and I realise I have always struggled with this.
I saw Poliça and Glass Animals live this month, and they were honestly my first gigs I have ever been to. They were both incredible for different reasons. Though there were moments during their performances where I did think to myself, how did I not have the time for this; that pure feeling of being, being alive and breathing, sharing the same experience with so many other people, that sense of home in a swarm of human comfort you don't get everyday.
Ever since I had started secondary school in year 7, I undoubtedly isolated myself. I don't think there really was one explanation for it, or anything I was particularly isolating myself from; it was just how I felt I should be, what I thought was better, what I thought I deserved. Although I don't feel moments of solitude are a bad thing (which will come in another post), subjecting yourself to just a reclusive shadow of a form, really does not help you feel like you are alive. And it seems so obvious now, from the outside looking in, but being in it felt like a huge comfort blanket. To now think of all that time I had alone, I can't really think about what I actually did. I wasn't that solely focused on school, but I did prioritise it when there was pressure to get into university, though other than that, I feel like I often used school as an excuse to get out of things. I do know I spent too much of my time thinking about what my life could be, or could have been if I was 'enough', not using that time to really benefit myself in any way, nor enrich my life with experiences that I would really learn from or simply, enjoy.
I think a lot of the time, what was stopping me from those experiences, was not feeling like I had the right people to share them with, not feeling I was the right version of myself, or not feeling like it was the 'right' time. I was consumed with ideas, making things bigger than they were actually were, and not really valuing the small things, the constituent parts of my life that with balance, would make me feel like I was living.
This year, has been a gradual process in finding that balance. I wrote a list of all the things I have done since having left school, and it's filled with so many new things that I have managed to do in such a small space of time. School did definitely have its a weight on me, but I think I finally appreciate what time can actually do. Now that I seem to have grasped my new work routine, I will make more effort to get interested in things again, and hopefully will create more.
This month, I have never felt my own presence in the world
as much as I have before.
