Since recently turning 18, it has naturally made me reflect on what I've learnt so far, and what I still need to learn. The idea isn't original; I've watched many videos and read posts on other people's 'things', but I really wanted to write my own that I could look back on, and because I feel that my life will change so much in the next five years. Here it goes.
1. the 'being 18'
The feeling is honestly underwhelming. I don't really know what you were expecting, but here you finally are in the vastly perplexing, ambiguity of the 'adult world'.
(Really, it feels like you have already aged to about 80, but that's okay, you have this gap year to Benjamin-Button-back a few decades.) For so long, you have looked to this number as a symbol of freedom, when you are still typing away in the confines of your room that belongs to one of your parents. You have sacrificed your youth to grow up so much faster, but there is nothing to attach to a number. When has life not seemed 'vastly perplexing'? So an important note; the feelings are the same.
2. finding a voice
Currently on a mission.
3. unfulfilled expectations
You expect too much from yourself. This follows on from the first point of trying to attach things to a number, to which I am ironically doing right now, but what I mean is by the number of experiences. We grow up thinking that we have to achieve or experience certain things before a certain age, and you have definitely felt like a latecomer, yet there is no real importance in when, but rather
what.
4. time well spent
You like being busy. Though, there definitely have been moments where you've felt like you have wasted time, and would be content doing absolutely nothing, but in this moment: you like having plans, and to refrain from saying the commonplace phrase, "I'm bored af". You admire people that walk with a sense of purpose, like they have somewhere to go. I hope you get to be one of those people.
5. you aren't entitled to anything
Nothing will come of nothing
(Shakespeare cred). Something that I've really learnt this year, is that just because you've had a bad day or a bad year, doesn't mean that you are entitled to have a good day or a good year the next. I completely believe in the whole 'get what you give'... eventually. The things that you want, don't just happen all at once, nor should you expect them to.
“It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve, to assume that if you want something badly enough, it is your God-given right to have it.” - Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild
6. comparison is shit
The statement is self-explanatory. In the worst of times, when you have compared yourself to other people, you have felt so out of place that isolation and silence has often given you a sense of protection and temporary comfort. It's not like you can avoid this feeling completely, but not all comparison is bad. There is a real difference between being inspired and being envious of someone.
7. beginnings are always difficult
You have a problem with starting. You often try to delay starting something, through hours of procrastination, trying to convince yourself that it was all in preparation for that something. You still fear the feeling of wasting time, but I think you are slowly learning to accept failure, and that it is okay. When you do start something, think of the middle.
8. create, create, create
Creating is what you live to do. Take pictures, draw, write; embrace it. It's sad to see people abandon their creative qualities as they grow older, as though they have been shadowed by life.
9. be more honest
Honesty is ultimately what makes good art. It doesn't have to be loud or obvious, but sharing more of yourself will help you regret less, of the words left unsaid. Maybe that's why you feel like you're not good at talking; you prefer to wait for the right construct of words to answer with, but a lot of the time, silence isn't always kind.
"The moment that you feel that just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself; that's the moment you may be starting to get it right." - Neil Gaiman
10. listen
We all like to think we're good listeners. Really, we're a little more self-absorbed than we want to admit. I think it's a given though, especially at this stage in life, where everyone wants to make sure that they are ticking off their goal list. Though when it comes to listening to other people, immerse yourself completely; you don't necessarily have to say anything in return, but just be there. And you could also afford to listen to yourself sometimes, when it comes to making decisions and trusting your feelings; you will understand a lot more through listening.
11. ignorance isn't stupidity
It really isn't. Ignorance is the state of lacking knowledge and being uninformed; something we all have in different areas, whereas stupidity is failing to understand or reason. I have definitely avoided explaining something to someone, purely because I didn't grasp how they could be misinformed. In the same way you recognise that you also have ignorance but are willing to be educated; it's always worth to try to explain and educate others, even if there is no profound result.
12. a w k w a r d n e s s
Awkwardness is a really difficult thing, because you think you have it all of the time. This is actually making me cringe about of all those painfully awkward moments you have had. What's worse to think about, is that other people feel it too, because I think it has been painful for other people to watch really. So I don't have much advice to offer you right now, future self, other than to not always think about it, and to not need to acknowledge it either.
13. always learning
This should always ring true. If you don't feel like you are: travel, read, educate yourself. I feel that there's always something to learn from travelling and reading. And making the effort to invest time into understanding the world a little better, has such a significant impact.
"How can you know people, if you haven't travelled and if you haven't read?" - Yann Martel
14. keep good company
You are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with. Right now, you're in the in-between stage of figuring all of that out. Some people will enter your life, some will leave; you have learnt that, but the time that you have spent with them doesn't go to waste. Although it has felt like that sometimes, you understand people a lot better.
15. avoid justifying everything
There is no reason or explanation for everything. I think this is what makes you indecisive, because you feel like you need to be doing the 'right' thing, and you think you need to prove to people that you are. However, you have actually decided to do things regardless of what people have said or when they have felt like they needed to offer their opinion. So justification isn't necessary, basically.
16. never half-ass anything
Like Dad repeats all of the time, "if it's worth doing something, it's worth doing well". He does have his wise moments, listen to him.
17. do not settle
This is one of worst things you can do. By settling, you destroy yourself and the people around you. A bit melodramatic, but I think you truly realised this after reading John Williams' Stoner (not about an actual stoner). If you don't ever feel challenged, and you live a life out of convenience; you have settled for less than living is worth. Be wild, persistent, unceasing.
18. you are enough
You have made it to 18 years. That's saying a lot, because you didn't think you would. You are your home. And it will take a lot more time to feel like you deserve one, and that you feel like you belong, but you are slowly learning to live.
~
So those are all of my things.
The majority of this post is in second-person, because I feel that my future self will read this when feeling existential dread or is just slightly unsure about life, so I think a logical-sounding
(not really) 18 year old seems the most reassuring. It was really difficult to think of 18 things, but I created a
YouTube playlist with some of the videos that have helped me write this post, so check that out if you want. Thank you so much if you made it this far.
“But I have my life, I’m living it. It’s twisted, exhausting, uncertain, and full of guilt, but nonetheless, there’s something there." - Banana Yoshimoto, The Lake
