Among trying to secure a job, trying to remain productive, trying to obtain a foolproof plan for the rest of the year; this month has slowly but surely dragged.
Maybe Septembers will always be like this: a tired, slightly melancholic daze attempting to sync into rhythm and routine from the aftermath of a seemingly infinite summer, or maybe it's 'just me'. Although I'm not at school, it still unsettingly feels like I am. And maybe that's where I was wrong, to assume that this year would be any less or more than the same, than the previous year, or the ones before, because I am exactly the same.
I guess I thought that the ending of a routine that had been majority of my life so far, would somehow enable me to change or feel a sense of becoming, yet I have since realised that it's not the places, the things, or anything that seems concrete, inhibiting me from doing that, but rather the things that are more abstract, the inbetween. I currently feel suspended in the inbetween, that there is a gap between who I am and where I want to be, and as soon as I think that I'm closing in on that gap, I revert back into a crippling shell of insecurity and self-doubt, and have little motivation to come out of it again. It seems a lot safer that way, because of the familiarity of it all. Really, it will take more time; something that I have yet to acquire more of, is patience.
And for someone who craves change, I do little to embrace it.
As the slump of September slowly seeps away, I linger in the more hopeful hues of October.
No comments :
Post a Comment