16 introductions

As 2016 is coming to an end, I feel as always, that this is such a prominent time to be reflective and talk about the things that have been "introduced" to me for the first time 

this year. 

1. starting a blog

The most obvious introduction by far, but something I have wanted to do properly for a long time. Although I have grappled with the frequency of my posts, having a blog does at least make me feel the need to write, and has definitely pushed me to put my work out in the open. It's something I have really valued in creating and each post is just a nice way of marking time. 

2. taking a gap year

Finishing school was something I was hugely looking forward to this year. I had felt so much weight from it, that when I achieved the grades I needed and deferred my place at uni, I just felt more secure than ever with my decision to take a gap year. I ignored the "whatever for?'s" and did something for myself that I know will benefit me so greatly.

3. visiting more places

I have travelled so much over England this year, than I have any other year; making visits to Nottingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Oxford. It reminds me that there is so much that I have still yet to see here in England, and that I don't have to get on a plane to be somewhere new. 

4. watching great films

Watching films is definitely not foreign to me, so of course there were a few that have stained my memory. The Revenant, Ruby Sparks, Revolutionary Road, 5 centimeters per second, and The Way Back have been the films that I have watched this year, that have influenced how I think about history, life, ideals. I love how much films and really art in general, can make you feel so differently about things.

5. listening to great music

As always, I have fallen in love with more wonderful music. To listen to what I've been listening to recently, just go here.

6. learning how to contour

I have finally succumbed to the tutorials of beauty gurus I have watched religiously on YouTube. I never really wear makeup on the daily, but when I go out for the whole day, I actually love just making the effort. It does kind of sound silly, but I get how makeup can make you feel good and make you look like you are going somewhere with purpose. 

7. actually celebrating my birthday

I've never been keen on celebrating my birthday, and I haven't for several years, but this year felt different. I felt kinda different. I don't think it's really about my birthday itself, but rather; where I am, and who I am surrounded by. Next year, I'll be turning 19 in Vietnam; a statement I love to think about.

8. first art commissions

I was lucky enough to sell my art for the first time, and it's something I have never imagined myself doing, but through an art exhibition at school, two people were interested in owning something I created. Although I haven't touched any art for a while, I still want to make time for it so that I am more confident to share some of my work (sounds like a resolution). 

9. learning to drive

Wahey, not that exciting to be honest, but something new to me. I cannot wait for the prospect of road trips to actually happen.

10. bralettes & nip petals are game changers

Self-explanatory, really. How it took me this long to find them, I don't know, but I love not wearing a bra. (I am so complex.)

11. finally buying a longline coat

It's again, a material thing, but again, a game changer. How have I survived winters without a longline coat?? I now never complain about the weather... that much.

12. working my first job

After many job applications, interviews, I got there in the end. What's funny is that after all those applications and preparation, it came down to walking in, handing in my CV and hearing an answer after merely a day. I have actually loved working; it has been hard and tiring as expected, but I have never met so many different and funny people all at the same time.

13. going to gigs!!

One of my favourite introductions to me this year. I got to see Poliça, Glass Animals and Red Hot Chili Peppers live. All uniquely different, all magical. Hearing music live, has completely changed how I feel and think about music, it just makes an experience when an inspiring number of people come together.

14. taking more pictures

This year, I have definitely invested more time in taking pictures. Something that I would love to talk more about on here, because it has been a constant creative force for me this year.

15. making travel plans for next year

After working my ass off, and saving like no tomorrow, I finally was able to set some plans in stone by booking my first return flight, buying insurance, confirming my volunteering placement. I am so excited for 2017, and I just know that it will bring me some well deserved good vibes.

16. me, myself and i

This year has been good to me. And I think that because, I have been good to myself. I started to learn what it is to actually be kind to yourself, to listen to what you really want from life. Being able to write these 16 things is an accomplishment in itself; to have so much to write about in the first place. That's what I want from life: to make decisions, make some selfish ones, introduce myself to more experiences that I can capture or write about, and to simply, be in the thick of it. To not try and reach out and grab life, control it, or manipulate it in any way, but to be there, fully immersed in my point of view and the different perspectives around me. To simply, live.

"Leave a life. Blow everything up. No, not everything: blow up the square 

meter you occupy among people. Or better still: leave empty chairs at the tables you 

once shared with friends, not metaphorically, but really, leave a chair, 

become a gap for your friends, allow the circle of silence around you to swell and 

fill with speculation. What few people understand is that you leave one life 

to start another." 

- Faces In The Crowd by Valeria Luiselli

always light: a poem

when i was a child,

i wish i had caught the sun

looped it around with a cowboy's lasso

and pulled it

to the palm of hand

moulded it to pin size

and slipped it

inside my pocket

so that i would carry light;

never followed by a shadow,

always light
..

(me, aged 5)

.. 

From time to time, I remember very vivid memories from my childhood, especially when I lived in my hometown, Medan. They are brief, but they remain vigorously endless in my mind.

Sometimes I will remember how it felt to walk barefoot in the Medanese sun, almost still feel the sensation from the warmth of the ground, how blissfully carefree and untroubled I was. The uncomplicated way the air I breathed, seemed so much clearer, as if I breathed in clarity and cleansing. I remember that I always followed my parents around, especially the time my mother was sweeping the floor, and I had carelessly tread into the dirt she had collected.

When I came to walk in my own light, it felt easy to fall back into my shadow instead; breathe in the polluted air, and to not run barefoot and free. As the air could not be swept, all I ever seemed to do was tread, breathe out the same polluted air, adding to the surrounding warped contamination.

Those memories of light, will always replay and stay repentant; moulding a type of guilt you feel from losing something important. I often wonder, what it would have been like to have stayed and wandered in my own light.

That is something I am trying to teach myself, and learn again.

soothing sounds

As of late, I have been investing more time into listening to music on SoundCloud. I used to only listen to podcasts on the platform, but it has been a great way of discovering new artists and genres. It's quite similar to Spotify in the way it creates mixes based on what you have listened to, but I love how the app doesn't make me listen to tracks on shuffle, and how often I haven't needed wifi to play tracks. 

So I created a playlist of tracks I have been loving recently; 'soothing sounds' that I have listened to on the way to work, on the train, on a walk, anywhere. 

Feel free to check it out below. 

..

a mancunian saturday

After such a busy schedule over these past few months, I looked forward to a planned day trip to Manchester last Saturday with my lovely chum, Anu. Since we are both taking gap years, we plan these type of outings, to maintain whatever is left of our remaining sanity. And so far, everywhere that we have been together, has been remarkable.  

Generally-speaking, whenever I go somewhere new, the place is never what I expect it to be, and it's always in the good sense of things. Manchester did not disappoint in any way.

We started the day very early, with a 6.11am departure from Coventry Station. How on earth I was able to wake up at 4 and put a full face of makeup on, I don't know, but we made it on time, on the right platform, waiting for the right train; that was all that mattered then.

There's something about travelling to a new city by train that always makes my memories of that day bring more romanticism and sense of nostalgia: the landscape that emerged from the fog, the passing 'paper towns', the feeling of possibility and the thought of other routine lives being led, witnessing the sunrise. All these things have been ingrained in my memory. 

 MANCHESTER PICCADILLY STATION.

After spending two hours travelling by train, we came to our final stop at the beauty that is, Piccadilly Station. Seeing the sun break through the glass structure was such a sight to see, and definitely made waking up early, worth it. Our first point of call, was to head to the Northern Quarter; populated by Manchester's finest hipsters, coffee shops, indie brands, and just very cool things. 

NORTHERN QUARTER. 

                    

We soon realised that we were there too early, as most shops opened at 10am, but we still knew how to kill time; Primark. I feel like it's just a compulsory guilty shop, that helps being affordable. As much as I love the idea of investing in independent brands, I'm saving my money like I'm going to be bankrupt tomorrow, so I strayed from those independent prices. 

Eventually, we made our way to Chinatown, only to realise that most of it was blocked off with police warning tape. Not dodgy at all. We swiftly walked on to visit the Manchester Art Gallery, that had displays on the 17th century to Victorian, to contemporary, to an exhibition on fashion; there was so much to look at. Making the effort to go to galleries, reminds me how much that I need to go back to art, and make the effort to be interested in it again. 

JOHN RYLANDS LIBRARY.

  

  

Being avid (though now, more so lazy) readers, we next headed to John Rylands Library. Can you tell we were tourists at all? Each room we stepped in, was lit (could end the sentence here), either by daylight through tall, symmetrical windows, or beautiful, classy hanging lamps. I wondered how anyone could actually study in a place like this, when there's so much you could be distracted by. 

Going to these places involved a lot of walking that for some reason, my mind hadn't grasped, so the new boots I had decided to break in, were actually breaking me. Stupidly, I hadn't said anything to Anu before, because I didn't want to stop our momentum or admit to making a shit decision, but I did cave in, and we both found ourselves back in Primark, in the rush hour chaos, with me buying flats that felt they were heaven-sent to my feet. 

As sunset was near approaching, it was our last chance to visit some more tourist hotspots: People's History Museum and the Museum of Science & Industry. Like galleries, I feel going to museums are as important; actually actively seeking information that you can learn from is so important in itself and this was really something that we brought home with us. It is very easy to be absorbed in your own bubble sometimes, and neglect everything outside of it. It is easy to be ignorant. 

After immersing ourselves in a bit of Mancunian history, we wandered around the Christmas Markets, that seemed the sole centre of Manchester that day. We indulged on hot chocolates, and nibbled on cinnamon biscuits, and observed all the faces lit by the holiday glow, or maybe just the fairy lights.

At the end of our venture, we found ourselves back in the Northern Quarter, and ended up in a bar called Lost in Tokyo. I was already won over by the name, because of how much wanderlust I have for Japan. 

For the first time that day, we were still. Slightly ironic though because we were in a bar.  

LOST IN TOKYO.

Before we knew it, after delayed, drunk trains we were shortly back in Coventry,
back to reality.

a brief meeting with autumn

This year, my time with Autumn has been brief, and it's such a shame because I love this season so much.

I love it for its wonder in nature: seeing the physical change in trees, how they transition into such fiery and warm colours, and dragging my feet through crunchy leaves. I love it for being a time of transition, where everything merges into one another so seamlessly. I love it for long walks and long talks, and the state of feeling so tranquil in the secure comfort of nature. I love it for how cosy my lazy weekends feel, snuggled in layers, drinking several cups of herbal tea, and having my favourite playlist on loop. I love it for its honesty; for some reason people in Autumn generally seem more overt, more vulnerable to me, detached from any face they may usually tend to assume. I love it for how easily it is to romanticise; thoughts, feelings, and people, become more intimate and profound in their intricate complexities and candid mannerisms. I love it for how time seems ceaseless, boundless, as if it didn't exist. I love it for how things seem to start again or circumnavigate. I love it for how days are shorter; waking up to see the sunrise and still being awake to see the sunset. I love it for how I seem to take extra care in looking at the small things, the small cogs in the machine. I love it for those quiet moments of solitude, meditative and mindful; it never really feels the same in any other season. I love it for how simple it is to love. 


I write as if Autumn is so familiar to me, almost a friend.
And in a way, it really has been to me.



~

Below are some pictures I took over a weekend (5/11-6/11), which was the only time I got to really embrace, being in Autumn, yet I feel that the time was enough. 

     

    

    

living loud

It feels like October didn't even happen, as if I haven't really felt the shift in time, or temperature, or anything else for that matter. 

I know that I have long postponed to write, and now, while I have this time, I might as well. It wasn't like I didn't think about writing, nor was it a simple case of 'writer's block', I honestly just acquired laziness. I did eventually start my job this month, but there are still other hours in the day, even five minutes of writing is better than none at all. It just feels like as soon as I step through the door when I get home from work, my body starts shutting down and couch-potato-mode switches on. That very ambitious Cindy aiming to write at least one post a week, has slowly dwindled, as if to mimic those autumnal leaves losing their fresh vibrancy, that then fall unconsciously to the ground... I guess procrastination can almost be poetic?

I don't know, I seem to have this problem of focusing on one aspect of my life and neglecting the other parts, and I realise I have always struggled with this.

I saw Poliça and Glass Animals live this month, and they were honestly my first gigs I have ever been to. They were both incredible for different reasons. Though there were moments during their performances where I did think to myself, how did I not have the time for this; that pure feeling of being, being alive and breathing, sharing the same experience with so many other people, that sense of home in a swarm of human comfort you don't get everyday.

Ever since I had started secondary school in year 7, I undoubtedly isolated myself. I don't think there really was one explanation for it, or anything I was particularly isolating myself from; it was just how I felt I should be, what I thought was better, what I thought I deserved. Although I don't feel moments of solitude are a bad thing (which will come in another post), subjecting yourself to just a reclusive shadow of a form, really does not help you feel like you are alive. And it seems so obvious now, from the outside looking in, but being in it felt like a huge comfort blanket. To now think of all that time I had alone, I can't really think about what I actually did. I wasn't that solely focused on school, but I did prioritise it when there was pressure to get into university, though other than that, I feel like I often used school as an excuse to get out of things. I do know I spent too much of my time thinking about what my life could be, or could have been if I was 'enough', not using that time to really benefit myself in any way, nor enrich my life with experiences that I would really learn from or simply, enjoy.

I think a lot of the time, what was stopping me from those experiences, was not feeling like I had the right people to share them with, not feeling I was the right version of myself, or not feeling like it was the 'right' time. I was consumed with ideas, making things bigger than they were actually were, and not really valuing the small things, the constituent parts of my life that with balance, would make me feel like I was living.

This year, has been a gradual process in finding that balance. I wrote a list of all the things I have done since having left school, and it's filled with so many new things that I have managed to do in such a small space of time. School did definitely have its a weight on me, but I think I finally appreciate what time can actually do. Now that I seem to have grasped my new work routine, I will make more effort to get interested in things again, and hopefully will create more.

This month, I have never felt my own presence in the world 

as much as I have before. 

september slump

Among trying to secure a job, trying to remain productive, trying to obtain a foolproof plan for the rest of the year; this month has slowly but surely dragged. 

Maybe Septembers will always be like this: a tired, slightly melancholic daze attempting to sync into rhythm and routine from the aftermath of a seemingly infinite summer, or maybe it's 'just me'. Although I'm not at school, it still unsettingly feels like I am. And maybe that's where I was wrong, to assume that this year would be any less or more than the same, than the previous year, or the ones before, because I am exactly the same. 

I guess I thought that the ending of a routine that had been majority of my life so far, would somehow enable me to change or feel a sense of becoming, yet I have since realised that it's not the places, the things, or anything that seems concrete, inhibiting me from doing that, but rather the things that are more abstract, the inbetween. I currently feel suspended in the inbetween, that there is a gap between who I am and where I want to be, and as soon as I think that I'm closing in on that gap, I revert back into a crippling shell of insecurity and self-doubt, and have little motivation to come out of it again. It seems a lot safer that way, because of the familiarity of it all. Really, it will take more time; something that I have yet to acquire more of, is patience. 

And for someone who craves change, I do little to embrace it.  

As the slump of September slowly seeps away, I linger in the more hopeful hues of October. 

the waiting

As I'm writing this, I wait for the sounds to stop:
       
           the sounds of suppressed sighs, unsure beginnings, faltered hymns, murmurs of adolescents, exhausted childlike pleas, swinging of tired rusty metal chains,

           a flock of scavenging pigeons overcrowding a foreign pond, muffled voices, brief conversation, dull grey gravel that grind against each other as

           strangers stumble through, repetitive bouncing of a ball with no direction, exchanged pleasantries, nature's language of rustling leaves ready to fall,

           strands of hair dancing across paper, a maternal call, abrupt endings, a car reversing out of a compact space, clinking of keys against the door, night passing,

           retired approaches, guilt as a by-product of delayed answers, an overpowering laptop fan, brassy unnerving echoes, flashing screens, heavy breaths.

(I wait for time to pass.)

As I'm writing this, I wait for the strength in stillness.



~



A bit of a different post. 


I was thinking about a book I read a while ago titled, 'if nobody speaks of remarkable things' by Jon McGregor, and was incredibly inspired by the writing style. Often people think that there are rules to writing, but there really aren't any. I love how McGregor challenges that idea, and so I played around with the layout a lot.

When writing this piece, because it focuses mostly on the senses and especially sound, I just decided to go out and walk around familiar places, then stop in one place. As I tried to concentrate on the sounds I heard, I wrote them down in my journal that I brought with me. It's the first time I've done something like that, and it really challenged me to just stop and listen to what's going on around me.

So I deeply recommend you to try it, with any sense, because we often overlook the small things that make life remarkable.

"I say too much of what, he says too much of everything, too much stuff, too many places, too much information, too many people, too much of things for there to be too much of, there is too much to know and I don't know where to begin but I want to try."

- Jon McGregor, if nobody speaks of remarkable things

the edge of summer: a playlist ♫

As yesterday marked the official day of the autumnal equinox (for the UK anyway), it has already instilled in me, a feeling of nostalgia for summer.

I used to have a sense of dread towards summers; a heavy lethargy that would hold onto me. Yes, it meant a break from school routine, but it always slipped into another one.

This summer was different, because I didn't travel abroad which I have been lucky to in the past, or to anywhere new for a long period of time. So I initially felt that I wouldn't have a lot to do, but I actually proved myself wrong. When talking with a good friend recently (#heyjj), I realised that I did make a lot more effort to go to new places and to meet up with people this summer, than I have previous summers, or even previous years. I think finally being finished with sixth form, and other marked endings, has made me realise how time is so important.

So I compiled a playlist, to remember a summer that was so good to me.


~


It was really difficult to select songs, so I picked 31 songs to represent 31 days, and I generally tried to pick more 'soft-sounding' songs (my vocabulary is so extensive). There's indie, alternative, chillwave, etc, and there's no specific order to listen to these songs. I did listen to a lot of other new music and different genres this summer, but I meant for this playlist to sound somewhat transitional.


If you want to listen to it, I created a Spotify playlist and a YouTube playlist, so hopefully one of them is convenient for you. I hope that you find something you like. x

(sidenote: if there are missing songs on my Spotify playlist, it's probably Dan & Drum - Lester and Tom Misch - Before The Rising Sun but they should all be there on YouTube)

18 things for 18

Since recently turning 18, it has naturally made me reflect on what I've learnt so far, and what I still need to learn. The idea isn't original; I've watched many videos and read posts on other people's 'things', but I really wanted to write my own that I could look back on, and because I feel that my life will change so much in the next five years. Here it goes.


1. the 'being 18'
The feeling is honestly underwhelming. I don't really know what you were expecting, but here you finally are in the vastly perplexing, ambiguity of the 'adult world'. (Really, it feels like you have already aged to about 80, but that's okay, you have this gap year to Benjamin-Button-back a few decades.) For so long, you have looked to this number as a symbol of freedom, when you are still typing away in the confines of your room that belongs to one of your parents. You have sacrificed your youth to grow up so much faster, but there is nothing to attach to a number. When has life not seemed 'vastly perplexing'? So an important note; the feelings are the same.  

2. finding a voice

Currently on a mission. 

3. unfulfilled expectations
You expect too much from yourself. This follows on from the first point of trying to attach things to a number, to which I am ironically doing right now, but what I mean is by the number of experiences. We grow up thinking that we have to achieve or experience certain things before a certain age, and you have definitely felt like a latecomer, yet there is no real importance in when, but rather what. 

4. time well spent
You like being busy. Though, there definitely have been moments where you've felt like you have wasted time, and would be content doing absolutely nothing, but in this moment: you like having plans, and to refrain from saying the commonplace phrase, "I'm bored af". You admire people that walk with a sense of purpose, like they have somewhere to go. I hope you get to be one of those people.

5. you aren't entitled to anything
Nothing will come of nothing (Shakespeare cred). Something that I've really learnt this year, is that just because you've had a bad day or a bad year, doesn't mean that you are entitled to have a good day or a good year the next. I completely believe in the whole 'get what you give'... eventually. The things that you want, don't just happen all at once, nor should you expect them to.

“It is easy, when you are young, to believe that what you desire is no less than what you deserve, to assume that if you want something badly enough, it is your God-given right to have it.” - Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

6. comparison is shit

The statement is self-explanatory. In the worst of times, when you have compared yourself to other people, you have felt so out of place that isolation and silence has often given you a sense of protection and temporary comfort. It's not like you can avoid this feeling completely, but not all comparison is bad. There is a real difference between being inspired and being envious of someone. 

7. beginnings are always difficult

You have a problem with starting. You often try to delay starting something, through hours of procrastination, trying to convince yourself that it was all in preparation for that something. You still fear the feeling of wasting time, but I think you are slowly learning to accept failure, and that it is okay. When you do start something, think of the middle.  

8. create, create, create

Creating is what you live to do. Take pictures, draw, write; embrace it. It's sad to see people abandon their creative qualities as they grow older, as though they have been shadowed by life. 

9. be more honest

Honesty is ultimately what makes good art. It doesn't have to be loud or obvious, but sharing more of yourself will help you regret less, of the words left unsaid. Maybe that's why you feel like you're not good at talking; you prefer to wait for the right construct of words to answer with, but a lot of the time, silence isn't always kind.

"The moment that you feel that just possibly, you're walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind, and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself; that's the moment you may be starting to get it right." - Neil Gaiman

10. listen 

We all like to think we're good listeners. Really, we're a little more self-absorbed than we want to admit. I think it's a given though, especially at this stage in life, where everyone wants to make sure that they are ticking off their goal list. Though when it comes to listening to other people, immerse yourself completely; you don't necessarily have to say anything in return, but just be there. And you could also afford to listen to yourself sometimes, when it comes to making decisions and trusting your feelings; you will understand a lot more through listening.    

11. ignorance isn't stupidity

It really isn't. Ignorance is the state of lacking knowledge and being uninformed; something we all have in different areas, whereas stupidity is failing to understand or reason. I have definitely avoided explaining something to someone, purely because I didn't grasp how they could be misinformed. In the same way you recognise that you also have ignorance but are willing to be educated; it's always worth to try to explain and educate others, even if there is no profound result.

12. a w k w a r d n e s s

Awkwardness is a really difficult thing, because you think you have it all of the time. This is actually making me cringe about of all those painfully awkward moments you have had. What's worse to think about, is that other people feel it too, because I think it has been painful for other people to watch really. So I don't have much advice to offer you right now, future self, other than to not always think about it, and to not need to acknowledge it either. 

13. always learning

This should always ring true. If you don't feel like you are: travel, read, educate yourself. I feel that there's always something to learn from travelling and reading. And making the effort to invest time into understanding the world a little better, has such a significant impact. 

"How can you know people, if you haven't travelled and if you haven't read?" - Yann Martel

14. keep good company

You are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with. Right now, you're in the in-between stage of figuring all of that out. Some people will enter your life, some will leave; you have learnt that, but the time that you have spent with them doesn't go to waste. Although it has felt like that sometimes, you understand people a lot better. 

15. avoid justifying everything

There is no reason or explanation for everything. I think this is what makes you indecisive, because you feel like you need to be doing the 'right' thing, and you think you need to prove to people that you are. However, you have actually decided to do things regardless of what people have said or when they have felt like they needed to offer their opinion. So justification isn't necessary, basically. 

16. never half-ass anything

Like Dad repeats all of the time, "if it's worth doing something, it's worth doing well". He does have his wise moments, listen to him. 

17. do not settle

This is one of worst things you can do. By settling, you destroy yourself and the people around you. A bit melodramatic, but I think you truly realised this after reading John Williams' Stoner (not about an actual stoner). If you don't ever feel challenged, and you live a life out of convenience; you have settled for less than living is worth. Be wild, persistent, unceasing. 

18. you are enough

You have made it to 18 years. That's saying a lot, because you didn't think you would. You are your home. And it will take a lot more time to feel like you deserve one, and that you feel like you belong, but you are slowly learning to live.

~

So those are all of my things. 

The majority of this post is in second-person, because I feel that my future self will read this when feeling existential dread or is just slightly unsure about life, so I think a logical-sounding (not really) 18 year old seems the most reassuring. It was really difficult to think of 18 things, but I created a YouTube playlist with some of the videos that have helped me write this post, so check that out if you want. Thank you so much if you made it this far. 

“But I have my life, I’m living it. It’s twisted, exhausting, uncertain, and full of guilt, but nonetheless, there’s something there." - Banana Yoshimoto, The Lake

a gap

So as the title already tells you, I've decided to take a gap year. Gap years are typically known among students, as taking a year out of education before heading to university, but it can also just be a general term for people to use when they are in the in-between stages of their life. And here I am, in the in-between. 

This decision actually came fairly easy to me. 

Although at school people always tell you that your education is important, and everything you do is in preparation to go to university, I never fixated on that idea until over these past two years. One of the first things I was told by a teacher when starting sixth form, was that I would be taught how to pass an exam. Every time I thought about what my teacher had said, the more pressure and stress I felt each time I came into school, because I was afraid of failure. Lucky me, that fear actually came true. All those nights that I had stayed up to work hours on coursework, homework, revision, just resulted in burning out in my first year, because I thought that that was hard work. Really, I was stripping myself of all the qualities that`embodied me in the complete sense, and that I had sacrificed for the strive of academic perfection I couldn't achieve. 

After realising this, it was enough to motivate and drive me this past year to improve my grades, but to spend my time more purposefully. I didn't want to fail myself again, neither did I want to solely focus on school, so I took up volunteering, talked to new people, found new interests, and rediscovered some of them. (this also came from the realisation that I had done nothing with my life when approaching my personal statement lol) Aside from finding this new burst of energy,  I still thought of what my teacher had first said to me and instead, I felt angered and frustrated. Not at the fault of any of my teachers, but at how insular school had made me. Instead of being encouraged to learn, I was encouraged to memorise tedious statistics and bits of information, and attempt to write in-depth, analytical essays in under an hour, which I clearly would not remember on my deathbed. And that's what seems so strange to me. Why was I being taught information that was not necessary, or valid in real life? One example is Psychology. As an A-Level, I had to memorise studies that come under certain approaches, however I learned from my own teacher that some of these approaches are not taught at university, because they don't actually exist; they are purely there to add difficulty and depth to the syllabus. I honestly don't understand who thought that was a good idea. I'm definitely not the first to 'complain' about the education system, and definitely not the last, but why is it such a normal thing to accept this kind of education, where you are spending so many years of your life? 

I was however, definitely lucky to have teachers that made me want to learn about their subjects elsewhere, whether that was through articles, studies, interviews; I did and still want to learn. Though I feel that the type of learning that I am looking for is expected a little later in life. Perhaps that's why there is a different power level or a sense of superiority when I talk to people who are older than me, because they have obtained this 'experience' that I don't currently have. Yet if their experience and knowledge is necessary to me, should I not be encouraged to learn of it sooner? I feel that there is so much more knowledge I want to soak up before heading off to university, and this finally brings me to my decision of taking a gap year.  

I don't know anyone who is 100% sure as to what they want to do with their lives, I don't think anyone is. Granted, going to university would hopefully help come to some sort of realisation, but for me, I feel that there are a lot of things that I'm interested in, that I can't really pinpoint which I want to focus on as of right now. So during my gap year, I plan to throw myself at a lot of things creatively (lol not literally), whether that is taking pictures, writing, drawing, etc, in hopes that I will find something I want to prioritise and improve. Secondly, I feel like my life has been 'safe'. I guess that doesn't entirely sound like a bad thing, but I don't ever want to feel that I have settled for something. I want to take risks, I want to challenge myself, and I don't think I have so far in my life. Taking a gap year is a risk in itself. I may not be as productive as I want to be, but hopefully if I plan it well, then I won't lose out to any of this time I have. And maybe the final, most important reason for this gap year, is that in these recent years, I have spent a lot of time with myself, but not really for myself. I think there's such a difference in that, because I feel that I have conditioned myself to not expect a lot from my life, which has really affected what I thought I could do with my time. In translation, I hope this 'gap' will come to use in improving myself in many different aspects, that I don't think I could get from going to university and continuing the current routine of my life.  

A final note that I have for this entry, is that I'm not going into this with too many expectations. I don't have a romanticised notion that I will 'find myself' or that it will drastically change my life or myself. In reality, it will be hard work, and there will be moments of loneliness that I won't be able to get away from, but I just know that I have nothing to lose. I also know, that I'm hugely privileged and lucky to be able to make this decision in the first place. Not many people do, and I realise that. For those of you who want to take a gap year and can't for some reason, then I really hope that you find something to look forward to. And for those of you who want to, I encourage you to do your research and get past of just liking the idea of it. 

With my place at university officially deferred, I cannot wait to embrace so many new things this year.

~

Whoooop if you made it through the first post. And hopefully, many more.